I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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