I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Randomize
