Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
