I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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