I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
