If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
