Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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