I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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