I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Randomize
