see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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