dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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