You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
