it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
