The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
