That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
