Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
