I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
please come you make the beer taste better
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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