True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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