before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
