I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
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