Old men and throwing up are my life now.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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