I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
