i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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