I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
