craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
