Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
