Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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