Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
