Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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