He had one of those small greek statue penises
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
