i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
