there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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