Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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