Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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