4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
