Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
