sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
