"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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