How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
