shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
