mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
wtf someone played my fucking brickbreaker games and lost i had ten fucking lives. ughhh
maybe you did when you were drunk
no way, i wasn't THAT drunk.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Randomize
