I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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