i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
