I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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