i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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