if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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