So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Randomize
