ya dads aren't the best wingmen
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
