i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
