one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize