dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Randomize
