It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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