My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
The feeling are messing with the penis
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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