i love accidental penises.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
