Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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