Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
