My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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