I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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